I never “recovered” from depression the first time. I like to think I know my fair share about mental health, but I didn’t get that right. I was always afraid it would come back, so in a way I knew that it wasn’t completely gone, but I just hoped that was it.
My mind is susceptible to depression. It’s like a bacteria (bare with me), there are certain conditions which allow it to thrive, as opposed to others where it’s kept at bay. I’ve managed to spend the last 4 years or so in the conditions where my depression has been kept at bay, but since starting my new job, it’s unfortunately created the conditions allowing my depression to thrive again.
It’s not the fault of the job. Without depression lurking in the background, those conditions wouldn’t create it. Instead, they’ve allowed all those feelings to reach the surface and continue to grow and flourish. Taking myself out of those conditions may help, but the depression is here now and it’s strong. This time off work gives me the chance to try and tackle it, in conditions which don’t help it. But ultimately, I can only go back if I deal with the deep down issues, the cause of the bacteria in the first place.
Depression is a part of me and I’m trying to accept that. I’m not going to recover indefinitely, but that’s okay because I’ll get better and better at controlling it and keeping it at bay, not matter what circumstances I’m in.