I don’t normally write at night. I tend to write as I get up, but that time can range from morning to afternoon. However I can’t sleep tonight, lots of thoughts are running around my head from today so I figured I’d get them down.
I had a steady day. It was the most steady day I’ve had in 2 weeks. It was blah. Meh. It was nothing. I would say content but that implies happy which I wasn’t, I just was. I was just there. But no highs and no lows which is a massive change seen as I dip and dive an average of 10 times a day at the moment. Today was different.
Then the evening came and it all changed. I just broke down. All the hate and despair I hold for myself swallowed me up until I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to hurt myself. I was so angry at how shit I think I am as a person. Questioning everything I have. It was like poison. The dementor was nearly at the point of the dementors kiss and I couldn’t fight it off.
After a while of my boyfriend’s support I managed to improve. I apologised to the little lost girl inside me.
Now I’ve just been led in bed thinking. Thinking about whether I should blog about self harming, or those few times recently that everything just got so overwhelming that I didn’t want to live, to be alive in that moment. Thinking about how I want to write about how hard it is to fight the most irrational thoughts, knowing they’re irrational and yet powerless against their effects nonetheless.
I read a work email before where for a meeting I didn’t attend, I was left out of both the ‘attendees’ and ‘apologies’ sections of the minutes, like I never existed. I know it’s irrational but I spiralled into the thought that they don’t care about me, I’m crap at my job, no one thought ‘oh where’s Kate’, no one even noticed, what’s the point, I don’t make a difference, it wouldn’t matter if I never went back, I don’t care, I’m not worthy of anything.
I have my first counselling session on Thursday. I’m scared and vulnerable and I’m not sure where to start. I think this will be a long road to recovery and at the moment, I feel I’ve been walking in the wrong direction.