Running Away

I didn’t think I was one to run away from my problems but I had my first counselling session yesterday and it became blindingly obvious that with big issues that are too overwhelming to face, I just run, mentally and physically.

I ran from Preston 4 years ago to get over my first depressive episode, which has left me with so many unresolved problems to deal with now, and if I keep running away they’ll never be solved.

I run away mentally from things through pain ignoring them or hiding them. I put things off so long that I can’t deal with ever addressing them. My brain mentally blocks out memories from my past, as if to run away from those as well. It’s just become my coping mechanism.

Now I want to run again, I want to quit my job. I believe that I’ve had rational and irrational thoughts about this, some of which are blatantly running away, others make sense. But I can’t make a decision until I decide it’s best and not just running away from it all. So I’ll keep being critical about that.

But essentially I’ve ran away or mentally ignored all the pain and the problems I’ve faced my whole life. 22 years of crap buried in my brain, so full to the brim that it’s exploded into my present life. I can’t keep running. Now I know that with the help of counselling, I have to work through everything I’ve ignored or ran away from otherwise I’ll never be able to live in my present and leave the past behind me.

This is going to be hard work. Long and exhausting but I’m motivated to do it and that’s how I know I’ll get there eventually.

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