I love being pensive. I decided today that I want to consider writing as a career in some form. It’s so healing for me, and I love it.
I was thinking about what qualities, I, and the culture I live in, are deemed better than others, and sought out. The characteristics which we celebrate and congratulate others for being.
As I said in another post, I’ve based a lot of my decisions in life on either consciously or sub-consciously proving people wrong about me. But it wasn’t just them I was trying to prove wrong, I was trying to prove myself wrong. I was trying to show that whoever I am, is not the person that I currently am, or used to be. When really no one cares. I can never prove people wrong because that wouldn’t matter, and I can never prove myself wrong because trying to do so is stopping me from truly being myself.
You’re told a lot that confident and sociable people, who have a lot of friends and are super popular, are the people who we should aspire to be. Or at least that’s how I felt. I felt that everyone had to like me and I had to be super popular, confident and extroverted to be a success and to be happy. But that’s not who I am, and I’m really starting to learn and be happy with that.
I’m currently in a job which I had to win an election to do, and some people even call it as popularity contest. It’s a very extroverted job where you’re likely to be confident, have a lot of friends and enjoy networking, socialising and being the person who gets thoroughly invested in the work community.
I thought I wanted that, I thought that if I can win this, then I am all those things and I’ve achieved something amazing, that other people would see and think ‘wow she’s done so well’ or be impressed that I’ve become that person. To prove them that I wasn’t really all the opposites to that, the qualities and characteristics that I believed everyone thought inferior to the others.
But this job doesn’t suit me. And that’s okay. I hoped that an introvert with passion to help would be able to thrive in this job as much as the opposite, but I haven’t felt that way. It’s entrenched the feeling that all the qualities that I do possess, aren’t good, coveted, or the characteristics of success.
But they’re not good or bad. And they’re not as diametric as that either. I’m now starting to learn what makes me me, and embrace it. I’m definitely introverted, I get tired from socialising and I very much like to have my own time. I don’t fear missing out, I just like to do what I love, either by myself or with the small amount of people I care about. I don’t want to be friends with everyone. I’m not the most confident person, and I like to reflect on things before jumping in. I take my time and I love staying in during my free time. I don’t really like to be ‘kept on my toes’, I like steadiness and routine. I like slow. A lot of the time, I feel I don’t like people. I often need breaks from them. I’d rather be friends with animals. I like to do few things in depth, rather than power through a long list.
A few months ago, I thought I decided I wanted to be an MP. But my thoughts surrounding that weren’t about the actual job, they were about how it would look to others. That people I’d have known throughout life would see I was an MP and think, wow. But it’s not what I want. I doesn’t suit who I am. That is how I felt about my current job. Sure, this job looks good on a CV and I’ve learnt a lot, while also helping people. But what I’ve really learnt is that it’s not for me. I don’t want a job like this. I don’t want to be this person and do things in this way. The true me has found it so hard to wear this mask I created for this job for so long, thinking it would make me happy and successful, when really it’s done the opposite.
It’s time I be the true me, and loved who I am and be content with what really makes me happy.