How my body responds to panic has changed.
When I used to have panic attacks, during an anxiety period a couple of years ago, my physical symptoms were uncontrollable shaking, hyperventilating, dizziness and nausea and they used to be a very direct reaction to something happening and triggering them.
I have panic attacks now, not super often but every week or so. Nothing obvious triggers them, it’s more like suddenly all the thoughts in my brain and the whole world gets too much to deal with and I just can’t handle it. I start to get really nauseated, my heart beat increases and I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and crushing me. It literally feels like the world is crushing me. These last longer and normally the only way I start to feel better is through mindfulness.
It’s at these points when I’ve felt like life isn’t worth living anymore. I feel like I just can’t handle it, and I’ll never be able to so I might as well just give it up, and let it crush me.
I’ve been lucky that every panic attack I’ve had lately has been when my boyfriend is with me, and he can help me get through it. The whole world is trying to crush me, and he’s there holding it up just enough for me get up the strength to push it away again.
I can’t predict them, they just happen. But naturally they come about in situations where it may be assumed as well.
I’m dealing with a lot of social anxiety right now. It’s linked to my depression and such lack of self-love that I don’t believe anyone would want to be around me. It’s a self-fulfilling cycle though, because social anxiety doesn’t exactly make you the best company. I’m okay with close friends (on a 1-2-1 basis) and close family, but anything else and I just struggle like I’ve never done before.
My shining light is my 6 year old niece. When I’m around, everyone else seems to disappear for her, and we have so much fun. If such a innocent little girl loves me and my company, then that’s got to mean something.