I decided to resign from my job a few weeks ago to be honest. I’d made my mind up, I just wasn’t ready to make it official until yesterday.
I resigned and when I said those words so much weight fell away. It took about 40 minutes to get up the courage to press send on the official email after that but I did it. I had a great day afterwards.
I felt like I was free to be me again. I was no longer ‘on sick leave’, I was free. My illness no longer feels like it’s defining my life, so now I feel able to progress.
I know that this might not last forever. I still feel great today and I woke up and thought ‘Yes, I did it’. They’ll be ups and downs still of course, and I’m sure that at times I will question my decision or feel sad about it, but I know, deep down, that it was the right thing to do.
I’m a very organised person, and being stuck in limbo was creating more and more anxiety for me. This has allowed me to sit down and plan the next few months in terms of money and activities. Especially now as Sam and I make final arrangements to go to Boston in the Summer.
I want to make sure that I’m well for that. It’ll be amazing and I want to be able to appreciate it and learn as much as I can. I feel that, even though mental illness is shit, I’m more prepared for Boston and the future generally. I’m more aware of myself because of the job I’ve just been in, even if it caused me to relapse. I know what I want and I know what I don’t want, and to be honest, there’s not much that’s going to be this bad for a while so if I can handle this, I can handle anything right now.
Over the next few months before July, I’ll be focusing on writing. I’m going to try and hone and practise my skills and maybe guest blog or similar. This is what I want to do, so I can devote my time and energy to it for the next few months and hopefully get better in the process.
I feel like now, or at least in a few days when it’s all official, I can actually put the negative feelings related to my job behind me. It can be the past instead of the present and I can move on. I suppose in a way it may seem like running away, but for me, it’s more like running towards something better. A healthy and happy me.