The Endless Battle

I’ve been managing my depression and anxiety reasonably well lately and I feel like I’ve been gaining control of my mind again which was a welcome relief but still required so much energy that I’m exhausted all the time.

However, I got some mild bad news about a week ago and it was like something just switched in my brain. I recognised that the bad news would usually be a catalyst to all my negative thoughts and feelings about myself, so I tried to reason with my brain and help keep grounded and not fall into the traps that depression and anxiety set for me. But I’ve clearly still got a long way to go.

This past week has been a real dip. It’s been one of the worst for me for quite a while. It’s been like I’ve had a cloud around my head. I’ve been so distant with life, like living in a haze. I couldn’t even cry. It’s been awful and I’ve spent most of it with this extremely deep sinking feeling that I didn’t want to be in my life. I suppose that’s why my mind put me in a haze, to try and deal with that feeling.

It wasn’t until yesterday that something snapped in me. I suddenly felt a explosion of anger. I threw cushions everywhere and screamed in fury. Because I realised that I’d let this happen without barely putting up a fight. A battle had continued in my head, and with one bit of bad news, I’d surrender again after fighting so persistently for ages. I’d become so overwhelmed with exhaustion from this endless battle that I just burnt out at the first sign of defeat.

I feel like everything I used to achieve or be able to do has been lost, and that depression has stolen it from me. But I refuse to let that be the case anymore. I will and want to be that Kate again. I am that Kate still, I’m just being tricked otherwise.

I can’t express how tired I am all the time. The war being waged inside me is never-ending and even sleep can’t escape it.

The battle will continue, but I know that at some point it can no longer be a battle. Both sides of the war are me, and I need to learn to accept them both. At some point there needs to be a ceasefire. Right now though, I’ll just have to keep fighting.

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