Understanding My Illnesses

I’ve suffered from a few dips over the last couple of weeks. I mostly put this down to how unstable my life has been. I’ve moved out of my home to travel with my boyfriend until September which, although I know is an amazing opportunity, makes me feel quite lost because I’m definitely a person who needs to settle. Home comforts are so important for me to feel safe and comfortable and without them lately it’s been easier to fall quite far downwards very quickly.

What I’ve been finding difficult in these moments is understanding what is best for me at that time. If my anxiety is prevailing, then often the best port of call is to ignore it as best as I can and plow ahead. When my depression is prevailing, I need to busy my mind and do some superhero poses. But when both are just as aggressive as each other, I feel all over the place and confused.

I had a real bad day when I had plans in the afternoon. It started when I woke up from a dream I had where I drowned myself because I just could bear life anymore. I woke up with that feeling and didn’t want to be awake anymore. I knew then it wasn’t going to be a good day.

Sometimes you can shake things off, but this day I had no chance. Both my anxiety and depression were working extremely hard to ruin everything. I didn’t know what to do, because I didn’t feel well enough to follow up on my plans. Do I let the illnesses win and not go? Do I do risk my mental health further by pushing it? Either way, I was losing.

I thought long and hard about this and came to a conclusion. I knew that today was just a bad day. It wasn’t about the plans or the details of day itself, it was about the dream and the feelings that came from it. I knew that it was most likely, with both anxiety and depression working together, than my mental health would worsen by attending the event. I knew that I couldn’t be the Kate I wanted to be, resulting in further downward cycles of depression and anxiety.  So I decided to make sure I didn’t make myself worse and effectively write off the day, ready to start again tomorrow. I took the pressure off myself and actually let myself be okay with not being okay.

I was only able to make this decision because of my experiences over the last 8 months. I’ve learnt a lot about what is best for me and how to react to different symptoms of my illnesses.

So I suppose I’ve learnt to trust myself. I know my judgement won’t always be right, but as long as I take some time to make a decision, I know it’ll be okay. I’m the only one who really knows how I feel, and so I’m the most likely to be right.


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