What Do I Actually Want?

I’ve spent a lot of time and effort in my life making decisions based on other people. What will look the best? What will sound the most impressive? What will I tell my future children? It’s never about what I actually want.Β This is a really bad habit and I’m still trying to train myself out of it.

I really need to prioritise being me. I’ve spent a lot of time creating thisΒ idea of who I want to be, or who I believed others wanted me to be. But if I continue on this path, I know I’ll end up straight back where I was at the beginning of my second depressive episode.

What do I love? What skills do I want to improve? What life do I want to lead in the day-to-day?

I need to stop thinking in the past and future, but rather focus on the present, the everyday. What will help me grow into the me I truly am?

I don’t want to continue the way I was. I want to write, and I want to embrace my introvert nature. I don’t want to be constantly seeking others approval and I don’t want to try so hard on things which aren’t helping me be this person.

I’m scared I’ll get stuck. You know when you want to change but you’ve been so stuck in your ways and you have so much in favour of staying the same but not much otherwise? It’s SO scary to jump out of the comfort zone I’ve created in this image I’ve sought to be my entire life.

Habits are hard to change.

But I know that whatever decisions I make, are the right ones at the time I made them. Faith.

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